Withholding sex stops the show and relationship
Published: Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Updated: Wednesday, March 23, 2011 00:03
They say all is fair in love and war. Sex is left out of the idiom. This is because sex is not fair.
Sex has less "general treatment" rules than love. For example, if your mate is constantly withdrawn, not around, cancels dates, or is fading from the picture, you know you are checking into the Heartbreak Hotel. Sex on the other hand brings its own Mary Poppins bag of confusion and excuses. If your partner is not letting the dog come out from under the porch anymore, the rationale could be negative for your relationship, or it could be a totally personal reason for them.
Yes, love is emotional, but sex is an emotional and physical connection. If you want to decimate someone, sex is your weapon of mass destruction. It irks me when people use sex as a tool in a mind game. Your relationship should not be a lovers version of "Saw" where your honey wakes up to find their heart cut out, and then puts all the pieces together of where they went wrong. As always, communication, openness, and honesty are the keys to Castle Harmony.
I'd like to focus on withholding sex. Guys, nine times out of ten, the girl does this. And guess what? You're supposed to know why. Don't ask me why, I'm supposed to know too, but I lack that strand of the estrogen code. I say whatever is wrong, clear the air, and move on. Other people want to play a mind game and damage the relationship. Different strokes.
The number one reason to withhold sex is anger. Maybe something happened to merit you becoming your own fondling friend again, or perhaps it's all just an overreaction. Withholding sex from your partner if you are angry, and refusing to tell them what is up will compound the problem. They are going to end up getting upset with you, and your relationship could turn ugly. There will be cause for trust issues, falling out of love, and wandering eyes.
Askmen.com lists common reasons for withholding sex. Attempting to manipulate a partner, asserting believed power over the other, becoming bored, playing games, cheating, or simply being tired are other causes.
Trying to be manipulative and assert power over a partner is similarly slimy. Basically, you are a slime ball if you do this. Do you really need to use your genitals to control someone else? Or feel that you have control? If this is your mindset, I'm sorry to break it to you, but you are not the only person on the face of the earth with a penis/vagina. Your space can be re-rented.
Playing the manipulative mind game of "we're in a monogamous relationship, and I can control you by not putting out, and you won't cheat me," is unacceptable behavior for someone in a "loving" relationship. People think they are being strong and sexy by asserting this power, when they are actually being emotionally abusive. In one fatal move, you've gone from not screwing, to mind screwing your partner. Neither is an enjoyable position.
If your partner is withholding sex because they are cheating, well ... duh. I think the solution here is clear. In case it is illusive, the game play is pack your belongings and move on. Don't even mourn the memories. They cheated on you — they're not going to feel remorse and you shouldn't either.
If sex has become boring and routine, give that headboard a different shake. With books, television shows, and the Internet's vast offering of ideas, there is no reason to not be able to come up with new romp material. Warning: be sure to mention the new move to your partner or at least let them know to expect something new.
When you're tired, you're tired. Sex should (when done well) be strenuous. After a long day, your partner may be tuckered out. If you two are still strangers to the sheets after a few days, and your relationship is not being affected, check into health or stress issues. Maybe working a nine-hour day, coming home, cooking dinner, cleaning up, and doing laundry is too much for them. What can you do to help relieve some of their stress and workload? This act in itself can work as an aphrodisiac. Who doesn't get turned on by a helping hand from their mate? Especially if that helping hand is frisky.
If your once steamy sex life has lost its sizzle, you need to figure out why sex is being withheld from you. What seems like a small, annoying issue could have a larger, underlying problem that is secretly plaguing your relationship. If your mate is taking the route of withholding intimacy rather than talking about it, the uncomfortable task falls to you.
If you are withholding and you think you are making a point, you are. You're a jerk who can't get their crap together and handle an adult relationship.