Cornfields: the devil stalks you
ARPIL FOOL’S COMMENTARY
Published: Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Updated: Wednesday, March 30, 2011 00:03
I am here to tell you all that the Devil lives in corn fields. I'll wait. Are you finished laughing yet? I'll wait some more.
Now, if you don't believe me, just let me explain. I'll start in Hollywood. Since everything in the movies is real, we can note that they agree with me.
Some of the most horrifying movies ever made revolve around the evil that lives in corn fields. Children of the Corn (1-666) all center around evil children and, of course, their corn fields. If you have never seen these movies, I will paraphrase without spoiling; children become possessed by the devil and kill all adults and take up refuge in, where else, corn fields.
Other great profits delivered from the silver screen include Signs (creepy evil aliens), The Stand , Sleepy Hollow, Scarecrow, Twister, Field of Dreams (this field was haunted), and even The Wizard of Oz (witches and flying monkeys, hello) . Movies have been warning us for years to steer clear of corn fields, but do we ever listen?
Just in case people do take heed and avoid actually walking in corn fields, the Devil conspires with industry to make sure corn still reaches its targets. It's in everything we eat, high fructose corn syrup, starches, and other ingredients. Corn subsidies and the vegetable/grain's filling nature makes it a great additive while systematically making us obese and diabetic. Killing us slowly, unlike the fate dealt if we actually enter the corn fields.
I have passed this idea on to you as I have with my children. Next time you see one of them, ask where the Devil lives. They won't answer hell— mainly because they aren't allowed to say hell, but instead they will tell you a corn field.
Many years ago my son's class went on a field trip to an arcade— that's what I signed the slip for, anyway. My phone rang at work and on the other end a hysterical little boy crying because when he got there he found out the class was to go through a corn labyrinth. His fear overwhelmed him, along with concern for his classmates, but not so much his teacher.
I had to drive to the arcade and rescue him from the maze. As we drove away we watched the last kid from his class enter. On Monday the entire class was taken with the "flu", including the teacher, and we moved before any of them came back, if they ever did…